Had my last medical test this week. By which I mean the last one until I'm 70. Yes, I've put them all on notice. I've had enough, and I don't intend to come back for 20 years. Except for my follow-up next week from that last test. And my other follow-up in January. That one's really important. And I guess that other follow-up test in three years because of the results of last week's test. Okay, okay...but ONLY follow-ups.
No new appointments. No possible conditions, no suspicions, no symptoms, no lesions or abrasions, -itis or -osis, hyper- or ablations. Ever. For any reason. I've torn up my doctor dance card. And no online dating with WebMD either. Just say delete.
Look, it's not that I'm not grateful. I've received splendid care from all of you! I just don't want a relationship. I've got other things I've been neglecting while I've been spending my time with you, and I need to get back to them. It's not you, it's me. I was lonely when I moved to AZ and I needed some new friends. I thought maybe this was going to be the answer, but I think I need friends who don't poke me with sharp things, give me bad news, always stick me with the bill, make me wait for weeks on end to get squeezed into their schedule, and dump me the minute I stop being of interest to them. I need real friends. The kind who like to go to lunch and not lecture me about what to order. The kind who don't have waiting rooms.
You understand...don't you?