3.03.2015

tuesday

30 days, 30 pages with writing on them. That's the deal.


24.

One night, driving across the Nambe road toward Santa Fe, a friend said something I'll never forget. She'd been fighting an epic battle with pancreatic cancer, and she'd wanted to go to the Sanctuario and put her hands in the famous healing dirt, as she explained with what seemed to be a touch of embarrassment where none was required, because anyone in her situation would have done the same thing. She was covering her bases. 

Afterward, we'd gone to dinner at the Rancho de Chimayo where we'd lingered, soaking up the best of company in a favorite place, made even more sweet (despite the glare) by the spotlight unexpectedly turned on the fleeting nature of it all. 

And as we headed back, stuffed with pleasure and beauty and sopaipillas, the car was quiet and so was her voice saying simply, "I should have had one more chile relleno."

And it turns out she was right. She should have.

I was remembering that this morning, wallowing in myself over breakfast and trying to think of a single thing that made it worth having a shower and getting on with my life, and it reminded me that I had plenty to regret, and just from yesterday. Regretting the big things seems to be of little use. The big mistakes and lapses exist to propel us forward into what we can become. Regret takes time away from that job.

But there's plenty to be had from a moment now and then spent regretting all the little things we rarely notice. And yesterday:

I should have asked my question.

I should have called someone, when I was thinking of them. Anyone.

I should have spent 5 minutes less doing things that matter only to me, and 10 minutes more doing things that matter to someone else.

I should have gone for a walk, even though it was raining. Rain is a thing I cannot make for myself no matter how hard I try. I should have appreciated the gray gift when it arrived, and sent thanks.

I shouldn't have worried about things that didn't happen.

I shouldn't have wanted to go faster.

I should have listened to someone else's opinion. I might have broadened my own.

I should have learned something.

I should have read more, and scrolled less.

I should have been kinder, even to myself.

I should have said "I love you" more than once. Even if they knew.

And I should have gotten one of the black-and-white cookies at the cafe that they don't have every day, but they did have yesterday. They're amazing.

Mostly, I should have enjoyed it more. All of it. And noticed it as it went by. At least I realize that now, which is a place to start. Thank goodness it's not too late, for Tuesday anyway.

(I've missed the rain, although I could drive over and see if they've still got the cookies.)